Those Who Have Loved and Lost
by Muffinzelda
Summary: Dr. Hobson must choose between her career and the man she loves. Meanwhile, Lewis doesn't have a choice at all when his marriage ends in tragedy. Flashback to some dark days for our protagonists. Will the two be able to comfort each other?
1. Chapter 1

Saturday, 30 November, 2002*

"I'll only have a little; I'm on call tonight and you never know." Laura Hobson took a sip of mulled wine from her mug handed to her by her boyfriend. She then placed it back on the end table and patted the couch next to her so that they could cuddle in front of the fireplace.

Franco Wagenbauer was barely a year older than Laura, but his hair was already generously flecked with silver. _It makes him look so handsome, and I always was attracted to older men_, Laura Hobson thought as she watched the fire reflected in his hair. She nuzzled her head against his shoulder as he described in accented English what they would do together on their upcoming trip to his native Germany. He eagerly told of the friends and family they would meet and the places they would see. They had been dating about a year, and he was looking forward to sharing that part of his life with Laura at last.

The call came in from Sergeant McLennan around midnight. Franco knew from the one-sided phone conversation that Laura would be leaving him. "Don't go!" He pulled her back down to the couch onto his lap and kissed the back of her neck. "I'm not done with you yet, Liebchen."

"I wish I could stay, but I can't. You know how it works."

He released her from his embrace. "So long as you're completely free for our trip."

"Of course! I 'm on leave starting Wednesday. Then I am all yours." She gave him a passionate kiss before departing for the crime scene- Lady Matilda's college.

* * *

Dr. Hobson arrived on the scene to find EMTs desperately trying to revive the "corpse" she had been summoned to attend. Chloe Brooks, as it turns out, was not dead- though she wasn't exactly among the living either. The teenage girl had fallen from a second story window. She was comatose with a barely detectable pulse. She had broken bones and her brain had been deprived of oxygen; there would certainly be brain damage if she survived at all.

Hobson had a few choice words for Sergeant Allison McLennan. McLennan apologized in a very insincere way for not calling Hobson a second time to say that her services were no longer required. She asserted that she was too busy trying to track down a possible witness to the crime who seemed to have disappeared, one Judd Haverlock. "The whole investigation is a giant cock-up and my governor's not even here yet." Hobson concluded that McLennan was too daft to be running an investigation.

Dr. Hobson lingered for a while with the SOCOs in case she was needed, but once Chloe Brooks was en route to hospital, Hobson saw no reason to stay.

On her way back to the car, Dr. Hobson crossed the path of Inspector Robbie Lewis. He called over to her, "leaving so soon, Doctor?"

"Your murder victim is still alive. You'd better teach your sergeant to recognize a corpse, Inspector." She liked Lewis. There was an easy banter between them. He was a man of humble origins like so many coppers, but different from so many of the "fast-tracked" inspectors that she seemed to deal with these days. Lewis hadn't gone to university, but rather worked hard, studied the job, and waited patiently for years for his promotion to Inspector. And once he had his promotion, he did the job right and enjoyed it more than anyone else she knew. Indeed, "slow and steady wins the race" was a personality trait of his that Hobson identified early on. While she had identified the trait, she didn't fully appreciate it yet.

Hobson thought that Chief Superintendent Strange made a good match by partnering Lewis and McLennan. She felt wicked thinking it, but the lowbrow McLennan made Lewis seem like quite the distinguished senior officer despite his Geordie accent and his atrocious spelling. It was a stark contrast to the years Lewis had spent as a sergeant with the irascible intellectual Morse. Lewis usually took Morse's abuse with good humor, but Hobson knew that Lewis would never rebuke McLennan in the same way, even though she deserved it.

_What would Morse have made of McLennan? _She wondered as Lewis marched off to investigate the crime with his sergeant. Hobson reached her car but turned around to sneak one last peek at Lewis. She felt a chill as she watched him disappear down the moonlit path. She shook off her chill and eagerly recalled that Franco was keeping her bed warm.

* * *

*In Old Unhappy Far-Off Things, Hathaway tells the owner of the costume hire shop that he was looking for records for the last weekend in November.


	2. Chapter 2

Tuesday, 3 December, 2002

Laura was feverishly working away in the lab trying to finish all of her cases before she was to depart for Germany the next day. She was so intently focused on her work that she didn't pay any attention to her colleagues who were speaking in a somber tone. Finally, one of them managed to break her concentration.

"What about you, Hobs?

"What about me? Sorry, I wasn't paying attention."

"Do you want to contribute to the flowers?"

"For?"

Her colleagues looked at her blankly. Was she not in the same room as them? "Inspector Lewis. His wife's funeral. He's always been a good bloke, so kind to the families of our 'customers,' you know. So we thought the pathology department should send something to him."

Now it was Hobson's turn to stare. She was completely speechless from shock. When she did manage to speak, she mumbled, "what happened?"

"Car accident. Hit and run."

"How did I not hear about this? Who was the attending?"

"Dunno; not one of ours. It was in London. DI Kerrison's taken over his cases." She sat there taking it in. The news hit her harder than she ever would have imagined.

"So… do you want to throw in a couple of quid with us?"

"Yeah, sure." She said absent-mindedly as she went for her purse.

Dr Hobson drove home that night lost in thought. As a pathologist, she was used to having the answers and now she found herself obsessing over the unknown details of Valerie Lewis' death. All she knew was that it was a hit-and-run. Was it a fatal blow or internal injuries from which Val could not recover? Was her husband able to make it her side at the end or was death instant? She heard the voice of the late Inspector Morse in her head correcting his sergeant: coffee was instant, but death was instantaneous. She herself had chimed in- _death would have been instant, sergeant-_ echoing Lewis' word choice partly in solidarity with Lewis, but mostly to annoy Morse. Recalling her own words from many years ago, Hobson somehow knew that Valerie Lewis didn't linger. _Bloody hell, that was the first time I ever met Lewis, wasn't it? _Her car swerved a little as she recalled that day at Blenheim, but she quickly righted the car at the irrepressible thought of Val's tragic fate.

Franco was waiting for her with a glass of wine when she came home, an hour late. "Sorry, I had to finish everything at work so that we can leave, and I kept getting… distracted." She spoke as though Franco were already miles away. He could tell that she was upset; he held her close and stroked her hair.

"What happened, Liebchen?"

She let out a sigh before explaining what she could. "One of my colleagues lost his wife yesterday- in a car accident. She was so young, they have two kids, so sudden…"

"Denn die Todten reiten schnell." Said Franco, _for the dead ride fast*. _

"What? Spare me your references." She hadn't planned to say the next part, but the words came tumbling out. "I want to go to the funeral. Would you hate me if I postponed coming to Germany by a few days?"

"But you'll miss _Nikolaus Tag_." Franco Wagenbauer was a ruthless businessman, but he became quite sentimental when it came to his nieces and nephews. The _kinder_ didn't know their uncle was coming home and wouldn't expect it to be him dressed as old Saint Nick on the sixth- his feast day.

Laura felt her resolve kick in. "It's important."

"If it's important to you, it's important to me. We'll stay in Oxford and I'll go to the funeral with you."

Laura was surprised by two things: first, that Franco would offer to stay with her; second, that she felt an unexpected wave of anxiety when he said he would accompany her to the funeral. She didn't want him there, didn't want to introduce her boyfriend to Robbie Lewis, God only knows why.

"No no, you've been looking forward to seeing your family for too long. This is more of a work function, and bound to be depressing as hell at that. I'd best just go to the funeral with my colleagues. I'll join you straightaway after."

Franco nodded in assent. "You'll miss _Nikolaus Tag,_ but we'll still be able to go to the _Weinachtsmarkt_ when you arrive."

* * *

And so it was that Franco left for Germany and Laura attended Val Lewis' funeral alone. Strange, who had lost his own wife some years earlier, sighted Hobson amongst the throngs of mourners and waved her over to him. Ordinarily, the pathologist and chief superintendent were not chums but they sat together, both relieved to see a familiar face. Strange recalled that Lewis always had an anecdote about his many relations, and it seemed like they were all there along with Val's Greek side of the family. Hobson noted that they were all quite demonstrative in their mourning while Val's husband, however, was very subdued. He looked lost. Hobson approached Lewis after the service. "Thank you for coming," he said as she took his hand.

"Of course. If there's anything I can do, just give us a ring, all right?"

"Thank you for coming" was his refrain, like some stoic parrot only capable of saying one thing. Hobson doubted that Lewis even knew who she was. She doubted he even knew who _he_ was in that moment.

After such somber rites, she was grateful to have a change of scenery. She took the train to London and made her flight to Bremen via Frankfurt. She was excited about this new chapter in her life- meeting Franco's family- though her excitement was tempered by the thought that Robbie Lewis was also heading in a new direction. His journey, however, would be along a very dark path. If only Hobson could have been his light a little sooner…

* Later repeated by Laura in Falling Darkness.


	3. Chapter 3

January 2003

Two women embraced in the international arrivals area of Heathrow. "So, how was Germany?" asked Ellen Jacoby, one of Laura Hobson's flatmates from their days at uni.

"Wunderbar!" Laura exclaimed as she hugged Ellen. "Thanks for picking me up." Laura would spend the night with Ellen before heading back to Oxford the next day. Franco had opted to stay with his family a few more days, though he would join Laura before the end of the week.

Back at Ellen's London flat, Laura uncorked a bottle of wine that she had brought back from Germany. She poured two glasses then started to pour her heart out. "I love Bremen, but I hate relying on Franco to translate everything. It was a bit exhausting trying to understand and make myself understood in a language of which I have a marginal grasp, but his family was really kind about it. I think they saw me as the nice English girl who doesn't really speak German but tries ever so hard."

"I'm sure your German will improve the more time you spend there."

"I'll certainly have the opportunity." Laura pulled out a gold chain from under her blouse. Ellen started to shriek with excitement when she saw a diamond ring dangling from the chain.

Laura relived those happy moments when she and Franco were wandering in the _altstadt_ keeping warm with a helping of roasted chestnuts. She was struggling to pry open a particularly tough chestnut when Franco produced a small box from his pocket and said, "open this one instead." She found a diamond ring inside. She looked up from the ring to gaze into Franco's beseeching hazel eyes as he asked for her hand in marriage.

"Dare I ask why that's not on your finger?" Ellen asked after she'd heard Laura's tale.

"I haven't said yes yet. He told me to take as much time as I need to think it over."

"But this is exactly what you were hoping for! You were just telling me last week that you'd finally found Mr. Right!"

"It's not that simple, I'm afraid. You see, Franco has a business opportunity to relocate back to Bremen. He wants me to come with him."

"What about your career? Wouldn't Franco consider staying in Oxford for you?"

"That's just it, Ellie. He wants us to settle down. He wants… he wants his kids to be raised in Germany. He says I wouldn't have to work outside the home. I know that I love him, but I don't know how I feel about that arrangement."

"You'd either be insanely happy or insanely bored."

"I'm sure I'd keep busy. It would be fine. If Bremen is good enough for a vagabond dog, cat, rooster, and donkey, it'd be good enough for me."

Ellen saw through Laura's attempt at humor. "Really, Laura?"

"You're right, Ellie. I just feel a bit of trepidation because it's such a big change. I mean, I love my job, I finally bought a house, I'm established here. I love Franco, but… I don't want to give up everything that I've worked for. I only bought the house last year..."

Laura took a big gulp of wine. "There's something else too. I shouldn't even be admitting this out loud; it sounds so foolish. But… one of the inspectors I work with… we've always gotten on well, gorgeous smile, fun to flirt with, but I'd never have thought of him that way because he's married. Was married. He just lost his wife in a car accident. And suddenly I have to ask myself why I can't stop thinking about him? Do I fancy him? Have I always fancied him and never allowed myself to admit it? Am I insane for even thinking it? The poor man just lost his wife, and here I am thinking about … what am I saying? I love Franco. I am marrying Franco."

"Who are you trying to convince, me or yourself?"

"Oh, Ellie. What am I going to do?"

Ellen and Laura talked late into the night. They agreed that Laura couldn't very well make a move on the recently widowed Lewis, nor should she suddenly abandon everything she had in Oxford for Franco. She would investigate the possibilities of her working in Germany before giving Franco a definitive answer.

* * *

On her first day back at work, Dr. Hobson made a point of cornering Sergeant McLennan in the canteen at the police station. "How's Lewis doing?" she tried to ask McLennan discretely though she was full of purpose.

"Still on compassionate leave. I stopped by the house the other day, though. Bought him a bottle of whiskey; he said that was all he needed. It's hard to tell if the bloodshot eyes are from him crying out his grief, lack of sleep, or the alcohol. He's a wreck, Hobs. Don't tell Strange, though."

"I won't. Sorry to hear it, Sergeant. Give Lewis my best if you see him."

"Will do, Doc." Sergeant McLennan was the one who was looking in on Lewis to make sure that he was still ticking during those dark days by order of Strange; as a general rule, Ali McLennan did not do things out of the goodness of her heart. She knew how hierarchy worked; the sergeant protected the inspector. Thus, when Lewis did return to work, she acted as his enabler as his life continued to unravel. Far from being motivated by sympathy for Lewis' plight, McLennan took advantage of the lack of supervisory oversight from Lewis to foray into the world of criminal extortion. Years later Lewis would be reluctant to accept that his old mate McLennan was capable of anything so sinister. In fact, Lewis himself had been an unknowing accomplice to her dubious behavior.

* * *

After work one night that week, Laura went to meet Franco at a pub when she was done in the lab. Franco was entertaining a fellow German business associate visiting Oxford. As she walked in, she noticed a crumpled figure with his head bent over a tumbler at the bar. She felt horribly guilty not acknowledging the shadow of Robbie Lewis as she settled in at a table filled with boisterous German laughter. Laura relished being part of an elite international set, but she found that she couldn't take her eyes off the Geordie at the bar.

The evening wore on. Franco, Laura, and his compatriot stood to leave. Franco was to take the visitor back to his hotel and Laura had her own car, so they said goodbye in the car park. An idea struck her; she knew it was dishonest, but she said it anyway. "Oh, I think I left my lip gloss at the table; I'm going to go back in to check. You boys go on. See you tomorrow, darling." She kissed Franco one more time before going back inside.

Hobson sat next to Lewis at the bar. "Hullo, stranger."

He turned his head to look at her. He nodded. "Doctor." Without another word he turned his head back to his drink.

She ordered a gin and tonic then attempted talking to Lewis again. "How are you doing?" He shrugged and said nothing. She attempted to fill him in on office gossip, but he was mostly non-responsive. Deciding that he didn't want her company, she finished her drink and said, "well, I should be off."

Lewis, to Hobson's surprise, took hold of her wrist and raised his head. He said to the bartender, "another gin and tonic for the lady, mate."

"So you were paying attention after all!" She said. She asked the bartender for two waters as well. She nudged his tumbler of brandy away and put a glass of water in its place. Lewis still didn't have much to say, but he seemed to make the switch to water all right. Hobson took advantage of the silence to take stock of her own life. _Would I be this devastated if Franco died? No… but it's different if you have kids,_ she reasoned. Eventually, she spoke in an authoritative voice so that Lewis wouldn't argue, "it's time to call it a night. I'll drop you home on my way." _Time to see where this goes…_

Hobson pulled up to the Lewis residence, but the inspector made no motion to leave her car. He may have dozed off out of pure relief that someone was making sure he was safe. She got out and opened his door. "Come on, now, Lewis," she said as she offered him her hand. He accepted and they walked to the door arm-in-arm. He turned the key in the lock and an immediately recognizable odor wafted out from the residence. She laughed to herself and decided she could use his first name. "Cannabis, Robbie?" she teased. She may have been a bit of a wild-child back in the day, but once she'd obtained her myriad medical licenses and certificates, she wouldn't do anything to jeopardize them. She wasn't one to begrudge a little recreational pot use, though.

Lewis, on the other hand, was livid. He started to berate his son, who made no response other than to just sit there getting stoned. "Not in my home! I'm a bloody police officer! What the hell is wrong with you? We raised you better than that!"

Hobson pulled Lewis aside by the arm. She spoke softly, but she didn't pull any punches. "Don't be too harsh on him, Robbie. Everyone's got to dull the pain somehow. It's no different than your drinking."

Robbie Lewis yanked his arm away from Laura Hobson. Fire flared in his eyes. "Stay out of me life, woman!"

"Not much of a life if you push everyone away, now is it?" She answered just as vehemently. She softened before continuing, "Apologize to you son. He needs you. And you need your friends. Let us help you."

"Get out." He didn't yell this time, but rather spat his words at her.

Hobson shook her head and left.

She didn't blame Lewis for the exchange. She had always known him to be kind and gentle; his demons were stronger than he was right now. In her younger days, she'd thought she could save Alec Pickman, a handsome poet with whom she'd been smitten. But she'd learned the hard way from that experience and swore never again to be pulled in by someone struggling with an alcohol addiction. She'd tried to help Lewis and been rejected, so that was how she would leave it. Lewis, for his part, would have no recollection whatsoever of that evening. If he'd remembered how he'd acted, if he'd apologized to Hobson, maybe things could have been different.

Laura accepted Franco's proposal the next day.


	4. Chapter 4

January 2003 - January 2004

The next few months were as blissful for Laura Hobson as they were hellish for Robbie Lewis. Laura and Franco were now properly engaged and making plans to wed. At the end of March, however, it came time for Franco to return to Germany permanently. Laura had convinced him that they could sustain a long-distance relationship as she continued to seek a job or study opportunity- some way for her to join him without giving up the science that she loved. They saw each other about once a month for whirlwind weekends. She was making progress on her German too. Surely the passion that they kindled whenever they were together would be enough to see them through.

They continued to live in separate countries but together in spirit for the better part of a year, writing romantic letters, chatting online, and of course meeting whenever they could. After a certain point, however, Franco started pressuring Laura more and more to leave Oxford. The best offer she'd had was to be part of a lecturer exchange program between Oxford and Heidelberg, but Heidelberg was still hours away from Franco in Bremen.

Dr Hobson had always maintained an affiliation with the university, training pathology students and doing research. Along with her job in forensic pathology, she kept a rigorous research agenda. It was a selling point when she was on job interviews, she told Franco. Staring into her microscope one day, she realized that she had made a major breakthrough. She had finally succeeded in isolating a particular pathogen in a tissue sample. Suddenly there were journal publishers queuing up for the rights to the article she would write with her findings.

Hobson was elated. She called to share the news with the man that she loved, but instead of being proud of her and sharing in her success, Franco was silent. She could practically hear him brooding over the phone until he finally articulated what was bothering him.

"This… discovery of yours or whatever it is… it is just one more thing to keep us apart."

"I love you, Franco, and I thought you would be happy for me!"

"Why won't you just tell me the truth? You're never leaving Oxford, are you, Liebchen?"

Laura had never thought of it that way, but she saw the truth in his question. She was far too invested in her career to leave. After much soul searching, she did what had to be done even though it broke her heart. She mailed her engagement ring back to Franco in Germany. They tried to leave things as amicably as they could, but they were both raw from their emotional wounds.

She knew that she could call Ellen and sob, but that day she didn't want sympathy; she didn't want someone to commiserate; she just wanted to be numb. She wanted to be with someone who didn't want to talk about it as much as she didn't. She decided that she would go ask Robbie Lewis for a casual cup of coffee. A year must have gone by since the incident at his home, and she had forgiven him for what was said when he was not himself. She saw him periodically at crime scenes, and while he wasn't back to his former jovial self, he was at least functioning a lot better. She comforted herself in the thought of his casual smile. Yes, coffee with Robbie Lewis was exactly what she needed.

As she approached Lewis' office, Sergeant McLennan was sliding Lewis' name plate off the door. Concerned, she asked, "where's Inspector Lewis?"

"Transferred. His last day was yesterday."

"Has he gone back to Newcastle?"

"Heh, farther than that. It's the BVI, the lucky sod. It's a position training detectives coming out of uniform. No truth to the rumors that he's gone to detox, eh?" McLennan did a sort of 'wink-wink-nudge-nudge' motion that repulsed Hobson.

"I'm not interested in rumors," Hobson snapped. She struggled to contain her emotions there in the station. _Robbie's gone and I didn't even say good-bye. _She realized too late that if she truly cared for him, she should have been a better friend to him. _ I was so foolish, leaving him to the care of that hapless nitwit McLennan. Robbie just needed someone to be compassionate and patient with him during a rough patch, and here I tossed him aside like he was another addict of Alec's ilk. I've made so many mistakes in my life… _Hobson went home that night, mourning what wasn't meant to be with Franco and what should have been with Robbie. She put away a bottle of wine and a pint of ice cream and wept bitterly.


	5. Chapter 5

2004-2006 and beyond...

Laura Hobson wasn't one for moping. She woke up the next morning, threw open the curtains and let the sun stream in her room. Time to move on, ready or not. To hell with all of them- Franco Wagenbauer, Robbie Lewis- she didn't need a man. She had wonderful friends, a fulfilling job, and plenty of social activities…

Laura didn't realize it at the time, but this was the first instance of a pattern that would repeat itself over the years. For Robbie Lewis would return to Oxford one day, wandering back into her life wearing a garish floral shirt. She would brush past him pretending that she hadn't thought of him as often as she had. In truth, Laura would fall for him again and again, each time coming to the realization that he would never be over Val.

Laura and Robbie would kindle a solid friendship though; she would counsel him and protect him whenever she could. She would even try to shield him from seeing McLennan's murdered corpse when his former sergeant's devious ways led to her undoing.

But their relationship would remain platonic; Laura would lose faith and date other men. She would even go back to Franco once- and be caught by Lewis' future sergeant! No suitor could measure up to Robbie Lewis in her eyes, though. Thus what was meant to be an ardent passion would remain a smoldering frustration for far too long.

* * *

After her experience with Franco, Laura thought that marriage and family were forever beyond her grasp. She never thought she'd see the day when she'd be willing to leave Oxford for a man. Yet that is exactly what happened. One day many years in the future, when Laura would at last retire from her job, she would sell the house in Oxford to be closer to her husband's grandkids in Manchester.

Robbie Lewis had long since retired himself, letting go of his first wife's ghost along with the job. He wrote a new chapter in his life about being a granddad to a brood of bairns and a devoted boyfriend to Laura who continued to work. And despite burning her supper and snoring too loudly, he somehow convinced her to marry him. 'Somehow?' After so many years and all they'd been through, Laura didn't actually need that much convincing. Those who have loved and lost are bound to love again.


End file.
